Happy New Year

goodbye 2008... and good riddance...

It did bring some good things, such as bringing my Jim into my life as my boyfriend, and later my fiancee. It brought the opportunity to move to my dream city and follow one of my longest and dearest held dreams. The Lord has blessed me richly this year.

2008 wasn't all fun and games though. It brought the challenge of telling my employer and my family that I DIDN'T have a degree and that I still had to take a night class while working full time. It brought the constant battle of being in the car all the time. It brought on the realization of walking away from my dream job and dream city and led to a lonely existence here in Tennessee. I'm grateful for my coworkers who have been a God-send. They have loved me, supported me, and held me accountable to so many things in my life.

This year also brought the loss of my grandfather. It was really the first close relative that has passed away. We are still dealing with the wake that lung cancer left behind...

Then there was the cancer scare. After being tossed around from medical professional to medical professional and several tests, what they thought might be cancer, turned out to be nothing... That was... fun?

The there was the debit card fiasco... Nothing like having your only form of payment taken and used for all it's worth and then some the week before Christmas is a LITTLE unsettling...

And then there was the totalling of my car. I'm still feeling some of the physical effects of that as well as waiting (not so) patiently on a police report to be filed. 2009 will be rung in with insurance claims and hopefully, soon, a new car.

I'm grateful to my roommate who sat with me tonight and kept me company after my evening didn't go as planned. A puzzle and a few movies from Blockbuster were a great way to *almost* ring in this year.

To 2008 I say thank you, but I've had enough... 2009, please be gentle, life is about to get CRAZY(er)! In 2009 I will make the transition from bride to wife and I'm so ready.

I'm going to bed now... Before the ball drops, and well before the dawn of a new day in the central time zone. See you in '09.... May it be better than the last.

Merry Christmas

...The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...
Blessed be the name of the Lord!

I'm safe. I hurt. but I'm safe...

I lost my Christmas spirit last week after a Burger King employee helped themselves to my debit card and bank account... Sitting $800 in the hole when you know that you didn't do it and that the bank is working on getting it back is... well... trying.

Then I was faced with the challenge of starting all new traditions this year. Being watched as I opened gifts that were generic as can be because the family didn't know me... Ugh. Part of me wishes I could just sit and watch instead of receive sympathy gifts. Oh well. That is over.

But the kicker... Christmas Eve we were in a car accident that left my car pretty much immobile. Dad had to take us to Frankfort to be with Jim's family and pick up his car. My car will be totalled out probably tomorrow. We're looking at new cars to see what might be affordable at the moment. All with the stress of needing to get back to the office...

I'M SO TIRED.

Yet I sit up late at night and write... Because, well, it's Christmas. And inspite of everything, I'm blessed beyond all reason. I have a family that loves me. A new family that's willing to have me. And a man that loves me and wants to take care of me. Most importantly, though... a God who knows every hair on my head and knows how many stars are in the sky... that same God - He loves me, and knows where I'm at. He will take care of me. He will never leave me or forsake me, and THAT is the greatest Christmas gift of all...

Oh and... In exactly 4 months, I will be a wife. I couldn't be more ready...

Small Blessings (or big ones)

Some days I love my job. Some days I hate my job. Sometimes the love/hate relationship butts up - like Thursday... I hated my job. Friday... I loved my job.

I'm incredibly bummed about leaving in April if they make me. I love what I do. And *most* days, I feel like I have something to offer.

One of my favorite things about my job is trying something new and seeing the fruit of that labor. I realize that this is a rare occurrence in a lot of jobs, however - when I sent out our latest canvasing email and saw the facebook fan page EXPLODE because of that email and the ads we've been creating? That makes me feel great. :)

I work with great people. I thank God everyday for them.

Amazing

People intrigue me. Mary and I were talking about this last night. The ponderings of what the drivers are thinking and feeling on the road. I love sitting and watching people in an airport terminal or a mall. I also enjoy sitting in the hallway prior to class - watching, and in this case, listening to the people around me.

There are several people that I think I would be friends with if I had actually been a student here in the capacity that they all are. They are nursing majors (soon to switch out), pre-dental, and pre-med students. I fall under the category of a 'gen ed' student in the course, but I would shirk at being clumped in the categories that those around me are.

The attitude and demeanor of the people around me drive me nuts sometimes. But then it leads me to wonder what happened in their lives to make them so angry at the world or so uptight. In a lot of cases, the answer is simple - they are freshmen.

I get that. I was there. I thought I knew everything. In some ways I still unfortunately fall into that category. I try very hard to understand those around me and to respect the decisions of those smarter than me and with more knowledge and wisdom than I. More often than not though, it's the younger generations that I want to shake.

But then I have to remember... I was there myself. Life is amazing. People are amazing. And despite my constant frustration with human-kind.... I'm amazed.

The Holidays

Well it's officially upon us. Stores are blasting Christmas tunes, trying to get you to come in for THEIR product, their special offer, their item that will ultimately make your life better and more fulfilled by giving this item or receiving it this season. Lights are starting to go up around the apartment complex ringing in the start of the period of time that is acceptable for displaying the gaudy exhibits of tradition.

As this time in my life is quickly flying by, I'm bracing for the Holidays. I inherited my desire for tradition and stability and true love of this season from my father. A few years back when certain traditions began to change, he and I both would get very bummed out, almost depressed even that we weren't partaking of the same laughter and foods and family and friends that we used to.

Now as I age and plan on adding in a whole other family to celebrate, I find myself drawing away from excitement from the Holidays. It's nothing against the new family that I'm joining. I think they're great. I'm excited to get to know them even further. On the flip side though, I'm having to face leaving a lot of the traditions behind in my family. And for some reason I think I'm taking it harder than most.

It's resorting to bartering between which family celebration is more important than another, or more in depth than another - which is more worth our time and which is no longer a priority. I don't like it. But it's all part of getting married, right? Blending of families. Creating new traditions. Finding that balance that will work in the future? I'm sure it will take a few years to get the kinks worked out, but I must say... I'd much rather skip over these next few years. I'm not looking forward to the holidays for quite some time...

my home

I have been pondering home lately.

What it means, where it is...

I ran to Evansville this weekend. Like - literally. Within an hour of getting home from work, it was decided that I was homesick and needed to come. I spent all day Saturday with a couple of my best female friends. Oh how I long for that again.

I miss the organic nature of my relationships on campus. I miss running across campus to take care of someone in the wee hours of the night. I miss having people constantly around me to remind me to breathe, to relax, to take time out to play a video game or get a cup of coffee. I miss the countless number of people who would drop everything to pray and study the Bible with me.

I'm tired of a lack of a support system. I'm ready to go home. Where ever that may be. Somewhere where I can put a few roots down and make a couple of friends that are all my own. A body of believers to pray for me and support me through the hard times. A place that I can contribute and use my talents to the fullest of my abilities.

That place is my home. Where ever that is - Atlanta or Lexington with Jim. That's where I want to be.

my car smells like french fries

I'm tired of my car smelling like french fries.

In some ways, I'm completely terrified this sedentary lifestyle and spending more time in the car than I do waking hours at home is going to drive me to unhealthy ruin and obesity.

I haven't gained much weight since I've lived in Nashvegas or anything. But the constant smell of french fries is enough to make me go crazy. I don't even LIKE french fries that much. They are really a "take 'em or leave 'em" food for me. But you can eat them on the go!

It's like America's miracle food - perfectly designed for the drive.

I'm craving a slab of meat that hasn't been processed, yet grilled to perfection, lightly steamed veggies, homemade rolls, and salad... Oh how I want a salad...

Friendships, Laughter, & Joy

Part of the Water Cooler Wednesday crew - click HERE to go to the main page for WCW.

I think these three things get overlooked a lot of times in our lives: friendships, laughter and joy. Not that they get overlooked - more like, they are taken for granted so often.

I didn't realize how much friendships can make or break a person. I'm a relatively outgoing person who can make friends easily. This is mainly because of my take-charge attitude that requires me to organize events and outings, socials and game nights. Lately solid, deep friendships have been lacking. I moved to a bigger city than which I started (though, I daren't say Nashville is a huge city). I have one friend that I brought with me. My work companions are quite possibly the best colleauges to work with. But at the end of the day, I need some time alone. I need to recoup and rest. There is literally no time for deep friendships. Even if there WERE time, I'm moving in May. Is it worth the hassle of getting deep, and then having those people torn from our hearts?

People long for community, belonging, genuine laughter and a sense of joy that runs through all of that. It is an out-flowing of true community. It may be because I haven't been able to effectively get plugged into a church. I attend on occasion, but most weeks I'm gone. God and I have our one-on-one time, but where is the community that brings so much life into a person?

At one point in my life, I heard a person boldly make the statement that they didn't need to go to church to be a Christian - that they could worship and do their own thing, and that it was between them and God.

After trying to make a go at that kind of lifestyle, I'm learning why that statement made me cringe so much. "Going to church" isn't all about what we can personally take away from a worship experience from God. Yes, I believe that we can have great moments with God in a "worship session" or from a sermon. But I would venture to say that it's even more the relationships we build with people, giving and taking of talents, trading of stories - and laughing together.

I love laughing. Laughing is a bubbling up of the joy that is deeply rooted within my heart. Sometimes the best way to get through a situation, God has given me laughter. It's hard to laugh by yourself though.

I'm currently in the midst of reading a book called "Pagan Christianity". George Barna and Frank Viola look at the early church and how we got to where we are - and how much of that is rooted in pagan tradition. They don't recommend that it's necessarily WRONG, but they do challenge that maybe there's an even BETTER way to experience God and to see Him move. And it's through the community and the togetherness that the early church had.

I'm seeing more and more of this in my life. Churches stepping away from the tradition and liturgy that has binded them so tightly that they have no room to move. I'm hearing stories and reports like that from Alli Rogers' Blog (see here). It makes me happy. It makes me long to be in the midst of that kind of community and that kind of worship.

I dare you to watch this whole video without laughing:

I'm engaged

Ok, so I know this is old news... but I'm engaged. And it's a wonderful feeling. Life is a little easier and it makes a little more sense when he's around... We have no concrete plans after April 25, but I think that's the way it needs to be right now. My life has been methodically planned out in my head time and time again. Where I'd be, where I'd end up, what neighborhood I'd live in, what kind of church involvement I'd have...

And then God was like... I'm going to stick this charismatic girl in the hands of a Methodist. One that wants to be a parish minister at that - which means little stability for more than a few years at a time. It means moving back to Kentucky (ok so I never really lived there, though I call Louisville home...). I will be closer to family than I thought I wanted to be. I will be more fluid than I wanted to be. I will be giving up a lot of my flashy dreams of saying I work in the music industry...

But all those things? They are really meaningless when I think that at the root of it all - I get to be a wife, a mother, and an active member in a church body. I'm excited to see where God takes me with my giftings and talents and where he can utilize them better in Kentucky than here in Tennessee. I'm also excited to see the young men and women that I get to meet and work with in the ministry. I'm excited for potlucks and minivans...

But most importantly, I'm excited that it will be my best friend by my side.





The way that we love
The way that we laugh
It’s something worth seeing
So let’s make it last

One of the best songs I've heard recently...

To Bring You Back - Paul Allen

Are you thirsty, standing in the rain?
Not sure where you are or how you lost your way
Are you drowning
Some bar outside of town?
Searching for something given not found
A crowd of people totally alone
At the front door
Worlds away from home
And light up the night's last regret
Burn your only safety net
Step to the edge it's such a long way down

And I left the ninety-nine to find the one
and you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back

Are you tired of chasing the wind?
Under water, do you aspire to breathe again?
Are you dying?
Is that the best that you can do?
Cause you can't find your place in a world that wasn't meant for you.

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
And you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back

Hello, it's me i couldn't sleep I was just counting sheep.
I'm missing you.
Hello, it's me i couldn't sleep I was just counting sheep.

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
And you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back.

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
And you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back

Only to bring you back

"Christianese"

Lately - ok, so more like always - I have wondered why Christians continually settle for poor quality in the name of frugality.

I understand cutting some corners so that we can help children in Africa... But at what point is it wrong and maybe even sinful to not give God our best talents?

I would almost like to propose that, if indeed we have the God of creation and the God who holds all knowledge and creativity in his palm, then why do we utterly fail at presenting a good witness? Why is it that you can immediately tell a Christian radio station from a secular one? -- And no... it's not a good difference. It's poorly produced liners, music that isn't produced as well as it could be, and sad knock offs of other popular music at the time.

Why is it that as believers we have submitted ourselves to just be poor knock offs of the world? What is preventing us to stand tall and to give it all we've got? Why must we shirk in the corners of commerce, graphic design, music, art, theatre, lighting, performance, etc?

Is it an esteem issue? Have we bought into the enemy's lies? Saying that we are too rushed to make something look good... That if we put too much money into something that we can't feed that hungry child... That we just won't measure up, because that's the way it's always been...

What IS it that's holding us back?

Are these assumptions of frugality really a good basis to stand on? Or could we have made MORE proceeds from the selling of our album, DVD, or movie if it were just designed a little better, produced a little better, and was just all around a better product? Are we actually, indeed, short-changing the furtherance of the kingdom due to our inability to utilize our talents? And I am curious just what we will be held accountable for in heaven...

It is my goal to do everything with quality, with the stamp of excellence. If it's not in my realm of talents, then I will utilize someone else in the body that has those talents... After all isn't that what the body is for? For each to perform his/her duties to the utmost of their ability?

I would go as far as to answer the song "If we are the body, why aren't his hands reaching..." with the answer that the knee really wanted to reach, and instead we kneed someone in the gut... Because they didn't want to accept their talents, roles, or crucial status. Instead of trying to do everyone else's job, why don't we do the jobs set before us? Maybe that's the root of our lack of excellence, we're too stubborn to admit what ISN'T our talent. Maybe, just maybe...

An update from Monday -

After thinking a little more about my post from Monday, I have come to the conclusion, that while it's hard to walk away from things you love... it's the ones that love you back are most easy to walk towards.

The two things that are still on that list of being "in love" with, they chose to love me back and that has made all the difference. :)

WCW - iTunes 8 - A Scam??

Welcome to my go around on Watercooler Wednesday! Click HERE to become part of the cooler!

Instead of some of the heavier things I've been pondering, I think I'll take a step towards something a little less... heavy?

So yesterday I downloaded iTunes v 8. While I like the way that they're trying to design it to be more like the iPhone and iPod Touch, it is... pretty much a useless update from what I've seen.

I tried to activate the Genius feature, yet it told me that it couldn't finish the operation. And I've heard this complaint from others. My question is - has anyone been successful in utilizing this feature that is reminicient of Pandora or Last.fm?

Another immediate critique I have is that I like to have my mini player showing on my screen throughout the work day so that I have complete control over it, yet have the no impact on my productivity. Every once in a while, I'll change playlists or genres, and when I want to go back to the mini player, I knew the exact route to take to get it there. Well they moved where that feature is and now it takes twice as long to get to the feature, though they did put some key shortcuts in for it, it's not as natural... This will probably be something I have to just get used to.

Well - I'm off to learn the wonders of biology from the perspective of hands on learning. Yay for labs!! (ugh...)

Let me know what you think of the upgrade. Was it a creative new way to play with your music or a hindrance in your listening pleasure?

Falling in love all over again...

So, lately I have been on the road just a little too much for my own good. I have been in and out of town so much lately that it's making my head spin.

Driving to and from Evansville, Louisville, and Nashville - it's been... trying on my patience and leaves me with too much time to muddle through thoughts that are better left alone.

But here I am. After another long night in the car --

I was listening to a CD this evening and a song popped on that really got me thinking. It was a song that I had heard 100 times over already, but this time it struck me different. And that thought spurred... this:

I have been in love 6 times. Each time a different experience. Each time brought different troubles, tribulations, and heartaches.

These are the times that I can truly identify being "in love."

1. I fell in love with MUSIC. In fourth grade I sold my heart to the violin and have been playing it ever since. And then I gave my heart away to singing and other things musical. Collecting and sharing became a passion. Lyrics, melodies, the rush of a well done performance... All these things make my heart flutter. It was what led me to want to be involved in music as a career. I have since been called to give up this love, and it hurts. More than I'd like to admit. And the hardest thing about it... no one really understands.
2. JESUS captured my heart at a young age as well. Throughout the years, no matter how many stupid things I've done, he's found a way to steal my heart back unto him. He consistently finds ways to wrap me up in a beautiful sunrise or the laughter of a new baby. He shows me his love through beautiful symphonies and in the rain. He is currently reminding me of how cared for, how blessed I am, and how... much he loves me. It's a wonderful feeling.
3. I fell in love with a PREACHER. Or at least a future preacher... I fell in love with the idea of what we could be, of what our kids could be, of what my home could be... I fell in love with the minivan, the white picket fence, and the laughter of a youth group running around in the back yard. I gave up those dreams when I watched that preacher's back walk out of my life. It was the most hurtful experience of my life. Thankfully my Jesus healed me, allowed me to find reconciliation, forgiveness and something different to cling to.
   
4. Then, I went to Nicaragua and El Salvador - and my heart fell in love with MISSIONS and CHILDREN from Central America. I have pictures that I still weep over. I have kids that I still pray for... They stole my heart. There was a joy and a hope that I found in those slums. I went to give them hope, food, a future, and a Jesus... and instead, they turned around and gave it right back to me. I long to be back there and scoop up dirty children in my arms. To swing around and around until we both get dizzy and collapse in laughter... That is life. That is joy. That is love.
5. I came back from the mission field and fell in love with NASHVILLE. It was a city of prestige. A night life. Something constantly going on. Meeting someone know knows "so and so". Hanging out with the likes of Dave Barnes and Derek Webb. I picked up everything and moved here. To be in this city that held my future and my home. And now... this too I walk away from. Though it won't be the incredibly tearful goodbye that it would have been a year ago, this city has left it's mark on me and I will forever feel a little more at home here than anywhere else.
6. And my last, and most recent love would be my fiancee, JIM. It wasn't expected, and it wasn't planned. He was a friend and I expected it to stay that way. And then slowly but surely, he walked into my life in such a way that I could never look back. There was something in the way he looked at me that was different. Something in the way I felt totally and completely at peace when he was near. I was COMFORTABLE with him and with myself. I cannot wait until we can begin building the home and future together that we talk about so much. He is my love and I am his. And though things aren't always perfect, they are right - and that makes all the difference.

So in short... These lyrics made me think about who I was...

I wish you could see me now,
I wish I could show you how,
I'm not who i was.

I used to be mad at you.
A little on the hurt-side too,
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around,
to forgivin' you, some-time-ago,
But I never got to tell you...

And these reminded me of where we're going...

The way that we love
The way that we laugh
It’s something worth seeing
So let’s make it last Let’s make it last

Amazing how these songs played back to back just in time to remind me of where I've been and where I'm going... And with all that said... Goodnight...

...may I never forget that God gives and he takes away...
...cherish the things you've had and have...
...they may not be here forever...

I've got a new song...

Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time.

So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna’ love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

Can you feel the call of love?
Is it moving you to be a child of God of love?
Is it reaching you?
It’s everywhere the call of love.

I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love like you’ve never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I’ve got a song for you

Cause I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna’ love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

You’ve got a new song

WCW - Words

So this is my first attempt to participate in Watercooler Wednesday... :)

After reading Randy Elrod's blog (viewable HERE) on words and what words have impacted us, I couldn't help but jump to a phrase I saw back in March. They were on the wall of the Orpheus Cafe on Ft. Myers Beach. Which is actually a really cool environment to go hear some jazz music. And has great Pizza! But I digress...

"A Comprehended God is not God..."

These words struck me unexpectedly hard. How often do we try to comprehend God and put Him in our box? What in the world makes us think that we could possibly start to understand the vast reaches of God and all his facets?

Should we study His words and talk to Him and grow closer in a relationship with Him? Of course. But to be so brash as to try to COMPREHEND [To take in the meaning, nature, or importance of; grasp with the mind; perceive] God...

My God is bigger than what my small mind can perceive. And I love it.

I love that He knows the future and the past and still chooses to love me. I love that He knows the secrets of the stars and was able to breathe them into existence. These are facts that I know and LOVE about my God... But I won't ever fully comprehend them. That's His job.

What words hit a special chord in your heart?

Goodbye's the saddest word...

So after this weekend, I'm still standing...

Wednesday when I got the phone call that my grandfather may not make it through the day, I was wrecked. I was never quite the granddaughter that I wanted to be. I never said any of the right words or spent enough time... But now is not time for regrets. Only time for moving in the right direction from now on. I'm a large believer in not regretting, but once we realize the wrongs we have made - to make constant progression into being a better, happier person.

But enough of that soapbox...

Thursday afternoon I rushed home with my grandmother and uncle who were coming up from Florida. We met up with my other uncle who was up from Tennessee. It was tough. I had never seen him look so bad. He was sad and in pain. He was uncomfortable. I said goodbye to him, which was a little rushed because my step-grandmother came in and wanted to talk to him. Part of me is afraid that I'll never get to see him again, but I'm grateful that I had those 45 minutes in that hospital room talking to him about life and hearing some of his stories. I will never regret that morning.

I also had to say goodbye to Jim this evening. He has been more supportive and loving than I could ever hope for or ask for. I am blessed. I don't like saying goodbye. Even if it is for a few weeks at a time. Weekends are too short.

So - with that said. I'm tired of goodbyes for a couple days. I'm just tired in general.

However, I'm looking forward to work in the morning. I thoroughly enjoy working with the people that God has blessed me with knowing and working with. Always a fun adventure. :-)

Diversions

No mark on a page is a mistake - Just an opportunity to adapt and flow in a direction we may not have seen before...

I have been spending some time outside this afternoon watching the breeze rustle the tree leaves and watching my neighbor's guests come and go. I most enjoyed listening to the children talk and laugh. Voices of children can be almost medicinal. There is life and vibrance where there is laughter.

Often times when I'm stressed, tired or just bored I want to create. Today was one of those days. I journeyed out to my deck with a tin of markers, crayons, and pens in tow. My journal was about to get some life drawn into it.

During one of my squiggles I used a marker that I had forgotten was permanent. When I turned the page I was minorly upset that it had bled through... A wasted page...

But then after looking at it, I realized that it looked like a petal of a flower and proceeded to shape a flower out of what was a "mistake."

Sometimes I think that God is much like an artist. We are the lines He is drawing... The picture he is painting. Sometimes we get off the intended path... We make mistakes. We take detours to the destination. It is through these mistakes and detours that we are able to be shaped in ways that we might not have been shaped before. God uses these moments to make us and turn us toward Him and toward His purpose.

Though I'm sure the final picture of our lives would be incredibly phenomenal if we just followed God's orders each and every step - we are but human and are prone to make mistakes. I am amazed that God is still able to take these mistakes and missteps and still turn them into something beautiful. He makes beauty from ashes. He changes what we could have done to mess it up into something for His glory.

And for that - I am eternally grateful. For that reason - I don't get upset when I make a mistake... on or off paper...

Every mistake is a step towards something beautiful, as long as the artist has the creativity and patience to continue working and seeing new things...

Oh, Atlanta...

So I've been in Atlanta for a few days now. Since Tuesday afternoon to be exact. And well... It's now Thursday night - almost Friday morning.

I sit in the dark while others are sleeping and snoring in the other room. I wish I had something poignant to say or profound. Sadly - I feel as if I have nothing.

God has been teaching me things about myself this week, though.

...Like how I know I could be an excellent parking attendant and fix all the parking problems at the Marriott Marquee hotel...

...Like how I always try to look at the bright side of things because life is too short to get upset about having to pick your car up, upstairs when you have trooped down to the basement. An elevator ride never killed anyone. (ok, so maybe it has, but you get my point)...

...Like how I really need to not drink so much Starbucks, and how addicted to caffeine I am...

...Like how we can be so natural, yet feel so foreign around people that are relatively new to us...

...Like how God knows exactly what I'm worried about or concerned about and has ways of calming me down and setting me straight. (I like this lesson a lot...)...

...Like how I LOVE getting caught in a rainstorm - no matter what I'm wearing or where I'm going. Life is too short to get upset because of a shower. Make the most of it... Go play in the rain! It makes a better memory...

I'm sure there are more lessons about myself and things that I want to talk about, but I either can't think of them at the moment or... I'm still learning them as we speak.

I hope you're doing well wherever your head is going to hit the pillow tonight. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I love you.

Goodnight, all...

Seasons of Silence

I go in and out of seasons - just like most people do I guess. Some of these seasons are times of talking with people... Telling them the tons of things that run through my head every day. Some of these seasons are more listening oriented, where I sit and listen to tons of people talk... Hearing their stories and learning from people who know more than I.

Other seasons that I go through are often seasons of God slapping me upside the head and teaching me things left and right. And yet others - they are seasons where God is waiting on me... Waiting for me to get to a certain place, or to make sure that I'm really earnest in the decisions I'm making.

I'm in a season of silence of sorts. It's not that God's not teaching me and actively leading me in my life - He is! Oh and in so many ways that I can't even describe to you...

But it's things that are stirring in my heart that I long to talk about. Things I long to share with people. Passions and desires that have been lodged in my heart that are getting stirred back up. These things are what I want to talk about. But all the while I hear that calm voice saying... Wait. Just hang on. Be patient, my child...

I'm learning to become undone before the Lord. To be in awe.

And in this season... It is He that I can talk to. It is He that understands. It is He who created me and perfectly placed me in this time - this moment.

Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend

You are my desire, No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You’re all I want
You’re all I've ever needed
You’re all I want
Help me know you are near

Mamma Mia, Here I Go Again...

So lately ABBA has become quite an obsession with me.

Mainly this is because I went and saw Mamma Mia on Monday night. And all I can say is... Wow.

For starters, I hadn't even planned on seeing this movie that night. Monday afternoon I was itching for something to do. On a whim I remembered that Mamma Mia had come out and quickly asked Kindall if she had seen it yet. Readily she agreed to this plan even though she had already seen it the night before.

Thinking that this was a good sign we trouped up to the Cool Springs Theater. (I would link to it, but they don't have a website that works. :( Sad Day...) But I digress...

The theatre is a hidden gem. Tucked behind Chuck E. Cheese and McDonalds, you'd never know it was there. And boy is it there. This 20 screen multiplex is a sprawling, movie wonderland. We were amazed at the size and offerings of this theatre. Complete with an overpriced (yet tasty) ice cream and espresso bar.

We settled into the front section of the theatre, trying to stay away from people in case we started singing or talking in the theatre...

From the first image that graced the screen to the last, we were rolling in our seats. The image that it starts out with was incredibly reminiscent of Mister Lonely. (ie. solitary figure on boat heading to an island of wondrous discovery...)

Well - to actually critique the movie... It was... Well. What I like to think of if we all decided to make a musical out of our every day lives. The actors - while all amazing actors in their own rite - are NOT singers or dancers. Though, I can't criticize too much. It's probably what it would sound like if you busted out into song and dance.

Though they can't sing or dance - It was enjoyable. I hadn't laughed that much or been charmed by Colin Firth and Pierce Brosnan so much since Bridget Jones' Diary.

I left with the sad realization that I didn't know as much ABBA as I thought. I promptly fixed that. I bought ABBA: The Definitive Collection the next morning and have listened to it ever since. 37 songs of gloriousness. I'm sure I'm driving my coworkers crazy humming "Take a Chance on Me" all day long.

It will definitely give you a greater appreciation for ABBA and their music, though you won't walk out wanting the soundtrack. This is one that I'm definitely ready for it to be in my DVD collection.

Just Ride

So through a lot of the situations that I've been in and watching others ask the same questions I've come up with some conclusions.

We as humans have a bad habit of asking the question "why". If you have ever spent one single Sunday morning in a church nursery, you'll understand what I mean. You tell a kid to stop chewing on the toys... "Why?" You tell the little girl that she shouldn't spin her skirt so high... "Why?" You tell the little boy that he shouldn't color on the walls... "Why?" Suddenly we resort to answering with the 4 words that we all know... "Because I said so."

In a similar fashion, growing up we'd pile into the van with a specific destination in mind. On occasion dad would take a detour.... an unplanned route, the long way... Whatever you want to call it. Either way, it was not the way that I knew or wanted to take or thought he was going to take. This would always raise the question of... "Dad, where are you going?" or "Dad, why did you go that way?" or "Dad, where are you taking me? I thought we were going to destination-B." The answer was always the same... "Just ride."

I'm starting to think that the answer in life is a lot like what dad said... Just ride.

Often times we sit in the backseat of life asking God... "Why?" or "Where?" or "What?" And nine times out of ten, at least in my life, the answer is... "just ride."

I think sometimes we sit around and ask God these questions and it immobilizes us. We're too caught up in the questions to actually ENJOY the ride. Dad never gave me a straight answer, yet let me learn why, where, and how on the journey. If I spent the entire ride questioning or criticizing I would have missed out on some great moments of my life.... Playing the air guitar while he took the drums, long talks, or even beautiful sights... It is these rides that I remember most.

In life we can either sit and bellyache at God because he's not doing things the way we would have done them and complain the whole time - or even just ask the all encompassing "why". Or we can enjoy time with God learning. We can play with Him and laugh with Him. We can discover new and beautiful things and places that we can go... If we just ride.

Instead of looking at the questions, we start looking at the answers. The answers are most often evident. Right in front of you really... You have to stop looking in the rear view mirror or thinking that your way is the better way. If you ride with your eyes wide open, looking for the good - instead of riding with your eyes tightly shut because we don't trust that He knows where He's going - you'll learn a lot about the character of God, about your purpose in life, and about the greater purpose of humanity and the church.

So to answer the question of... "If we are the body, why aren't His hands reaching, why aren't His feet going?" I would say that it's because we're too caught up in ourselves and too intent on asking why instead of walking and doing...

To quote a Kutless song that was playing on my drive home:

In You we're living
In You we're moving
In You we're finding who we are

Make sure you're LIVING. Make sure you're MOVING. Don't get so stagnant in your questions that you aren't living, growing, or learning...

Have you ever had the feeling of belonging, yet not? It's the weirdest catch-22 that I have found to date.

This is home. This is right. This is real. I love the people. I love my job. I love everything that is Nashville.

But part of me longs for another time and place.

Sometimes it's places in the past. Tonight I was driving up to the apartment and the crickets were singing and the coolness had just finally set in. That's when I felt it... Softball season. Tuesday nights. Mmm... Hanging out with the church guys and a couple gals that would trek out to the games. Laughing, cheering, eating way too many sweets... Those were the days. Good talks were made there. I remember one in particular where I was talking with Pastor Chris about the culture shock we were both experiencing after just having been in Nicaragua. It was a good talk. I miss having moments like that.

Sometimes, though, it's places in the future. I have no idea where I'm headed. My heart knows that it's not here forever. Nashville is not the permanent home that I thought it was... I know that deep down. Just how long I'll be here? Who knows. That one's for God to decide.

I feel as though I'm trapped in this purgatory of sorts. Not in the days that used to define who I was and not in the days of who I'm becoming. I am just... here. I'm learning to love every moment - the good, the bad, the ugly. The moments that I never want to leave behind, and the moments that I wish I never had to see.

I think I'm just being weird, and extra meditative tonight for some reason. So, I'll quit rambling on here.


All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Life is fragile, family is sacred...

So I've never been particularly close to my family. I've never been one to call up mom and dad and talk relentlessly for hours each day about the mundane details of life. My grandparents have always been a source of constant joy and support for me though they are far and near. I love them very much, though I'm afraid I'm not as close with them as I should be or should have been.

I regret this very much in life, and I need to begin making amends for it. My grandfather, after being a chain smoker for much of his life quit about 10 years ago (give or take). Last year he was diagnosed with lung cancer. This wasn't a shock to us, though we didn't like it at all. He has been in and out of the hospital countless times with pneumonia this last year and his health is deteriorating at an alarming pace.

It's times like these that I'm ashamed that I never took the time as a teen to drive out to see him more often, and regret living so far away. I hate that my life has become so separate from the people who are responsible for my existence.

We have had our shares of ups and downs as a family. There has been heartache and times of joy. Though, I wouldn't trade any of it for it has made us who we are today.

I'm glad that I get to go home this weekend, and that Jim will be by my side. Hopefully I'll be able to get out and see Grandpa and introduce these two wonderful men to each other.



"Happy is the man who recalls his ancestors with pride and realized that fate has linked him with a race of goodly men." -Goethe

I SHOULD BE....

...ironing my dresses for this weekend.

...getting sleep currently.

...charging my phone.

...not playing on the computer.

...sleeping.

...packed more.

..straightening my hair.


I'm so exhausted. I should be getting sleep and not updating this. However, I'm so incredibly excited to see Jim tomorrow. I know that it's only been since Sunday... I've just been so restless the last couple weeks without him to talk to immediately and spend time with. God truly blessed my life with him.

I've also decided that I have the best friends ever. When you are down, tired, and just ready to run away - it's then that they show up, not once... but twice at Applebees with smiling faces just to keep you going a little longer.

However, I've also decided that my work ethic and desire to help people out can be my downfall... It's what keeps the managers asking to keep me there longer in the evenings - not the other person.

On another note, I'm completely addicted to a new song. Like... it's on repeat in my car and I listen to it as often as I can at work without seeming like a complete oddball.

The song is "Drifter" by DecembeRadio. It's basically my life in a song right now. I wish I could explain it to you, but this will just have to suffice. :-)

I'm a drifter out on a dead end road
trying to find my way back home
to get to You, oh to get to You
Lord I've been gone for far too long
headed to places I don't belong
and I've got to get back home to You

-decemberadio "drifter"

A Tribute to the 'Bees

Well I did it.

I made the transition back to Applebee's. It was something that I was a little iffy about. But now that I'm making it, it seems like it's right. Though I have no idea how the scheduling will work out.

It was like riding a bike and I got on rather quickly. After just a couple hours following people around, I was put on the floor as a server. My first tip was a whopping $10 and I was pretty excited about that. Basically I made over $30 in tips last night for working... an hour and a half/two hours? Not bad, not bad.... Plus my minimum wage of $2.35. Oh the joy of being a server.

I go back tonight to do it again, but this time I'll start out with a section. I'm kind of excited about it. I hope to make some good money, thought it's a Sunday so it will be slow and the people will be stingy.

But basically I'm kind of excited about it. It feels natural. Though I can't explain it, there's just a sense of peace about it.

Oh and I get to do this quite frequently...

The Greatest Test of Faith

Lately in my life so many things have taught me to trust and to cling to faith. Tomorrow has no guarantees and that is so scary for me. I can't really expound on anything at the moment, but I am just in awe of God's love for me and how he uses things to calm me down and settle my heart. He reminded me in my morning readings that He breathed the stars into existence. He spoke and the heavens and the earth were created.

If my God can do that, why can't I trust Him with the plans He has set before me? He thwarts OUR purposes that we may follow HIS purposes. He covers us with love and blessings as we walk in His grace. As long as I'm following in that, I will be ok. I will be taken care of and provided for.

No one said the straight and narrow would be easy... But it would be worth it.

Psalm 33

1 Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.

2 Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.

3 Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.

4 For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.

5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

6 By the word of the LORD were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

7 He gathers the waters of the sea into jars ^[a] ;
he puts the deep into storehouses.

8 Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.

9 For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.

10 The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.

11 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.

13 From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;

14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth-

15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.

17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.

18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

Dance With Me - Chris Dupre

Dance with me
O lover of my soul
To the song of all songs
Romance me
O lover of my soul
To the song of all songs

Behold You have come
Over the hills
Upon the mountains
To me You have run
My beloved
You've captured my heart

With You I will go
You are my love
You are my fair one
Winter is past
And the springtime has come

Dance with me

The Last Kiss

So I'm still processing the movie from last night. And the movie this morning didn't really help. [though it didn't really hurt].

I went to Blockbuster to watch a few of those movies that I really wanted to see that either no one else did, or had at least never verbalized to me that they wanted to see them.

I meandered around the Blockbuster for quite sometime looking at titles - for rent or for sale. Immediately I saw my first choice. The Last Kiss. It was on the really cheap table, so I decided to purchase this one instead of rent it. My second choice was Love in the Time of Cholera. The second choice was mainly because I was having a hard time getting into the book, so I thought by watching the plot it would help motivate me into reading it.

The Last Kiss, though I don't specifically remember the trailer, I remembered two things about it. That it had an amazing soundtrack. And that I remember wanting to see it. With that said I popped it in as soon as I got home. It did a number on me.

For one, it's not the happy-go-lucky tail of love that most romantic comedies have. It wasn't a feel good movie. It actually left me questioning everything that I thought about love, relationships, and fidelity. It scared me how easily all the main characters either left or gave up on something that could have worked with just a little communication. It reminded me of the times that people had walked out on me "just because". It scared me that it could happen again.

I would have given anything to talk it over with a person or two (and maybe one very specific person). I know that when I love, I love deeply. And it's very scary for me to love someone, because there's always that fear that maybe they don't love you quite as much as you do. What if they decide that you're not worth loving?

I cried after the movie was over because I don't know what I would have done if I were in the position of the women in this movie. In any of the positions.

Ultimately, I think I may pop it back in today and look at it with fresh eyes. Eyes that understand where the story is going so that when it drastically turns I won't be shocked and appalled.

This is a movie I think that I really, really like. It just rattles you a little. Challenges you to ask the tough questions. And makes you evaluate what you have and where you're going. It moved me more than I think it would most, but if you want a tough movie.... Check it out.