I'm engaged

Ok, so I know this is old news... but I'm engaged. And it's a wonderful feeling. Life is a little easier and it makes a little more sense when he's around... We have no concrete plans after April 25, but I think that's the way it needs to be right now. My life has been methodically planned out in my head time and time again. Where I'd be, where I'd end up, what neighborhood I'd live in, what kind of church involvement I'd have...

And then God was like... I'm going to stick this charismatic girl in the hands of a Methodist. One that wants to be a parish minister at that - which means little stability for more than a few years at a time. It means moving back to Kentucky (ok so I never really lived there, though I call Louisville home...). I will be closer to family than I thought I wanted to be. I will be more fluid than I wanted to be. I will be giving up a lot of my flashy dreams of saying I work in the music industry...

But all those things? They are really meaningless when I think that at the root of it all - I get to be a wife, a mother, and an active member in a church body. I'm excited to see where God takes me with my giftings and talents and where he can utilize them better in Kentucky than here in Tennessee. I'm also excited to see the young men and women that I get to meet and work with in the ministry. I'm excited for potlucks and minivans...

But most importantly, I'm excited that it will be my best friend by my side.





The way that we love
The way that we laugh
It’s something worth seeing
So let’s make it last

One of the best songs I've heard recently...

To Bring You Back - Paul Allen

Are you thirsty, standing in the rain?
Not sure where you are or how you lost your way
Are you drowning
Some bar outside of town?
Searching for something given not found
A crowd of people totally alone
At the front door
Worlds away from home
And light up the night's last regret
Burn your only safety net
Step to the edge it's such a long way down

And I left the ninety-nine to find the one
and you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back

Are you tired of chasing the wind?
Under water, do you aspire to breathe again?
Are you dying?
Is that the best that you can do?
Cause you can't find your place in a world that wasn't meant for you.

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
And you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back

Hello, it's me i couldn't sleep I was just counting sheep.
I'm missing you.
Hello, it's me i couldn't sleep I was just counting sheep.

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
And you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back.

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
And you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in this desert sun
Only to bring you back

Only to bring you back

"Christianese"

Lately - ok, so more like always - I have wondered why Christians continually settle for poor quality in the name of frugality.

I understand cutting some corners so that we can help children in Africa... But at what point is it wrong and maybe even sinful to not give God our best talents?

I would almost like to propose that, if indeed we have the God of creation and the God who holds all knowledge and creativity in his palm, then why do we utterly fail at presenting a good witness? Why is it that you can immediately tell a Christian radio station from a secular one? -- And no... it's not a good difference. It's poorly produced liners, music that isn't produced as well as it could be, and sad knock offs of other popular music at the time.

Why is it that as believers we have submitted ourselves to just be poor knock offs of the world? What is preventing us to stand tall and to give it all we've got? Why must we shirk in the corners of commerce, graphic design, music, art, theatre, lighting, performance, etc?

Is it an esteem issue? Have we bought into the enemy's lies? Saying that we are too rushed to make something look good... That if we put too much money into something that we can't feed that hungry child... That we just won't measure up, because that's the way it's always been...

What IS it that's holding us back?

Are these assumptions of frugality really a good basis to stand on? Or could we have made MORE proceeds from the selling of our album, DVD, or movie if it were just designed a little better, produced a little better, and was just all around a better product? Are we actually, indeed, short-changing the furtherance of the kingdom due to our inability to utilize our talents? And I am curious just what we will be held accountable for in heaven...

It is my goal to do everything with quality, with the stamp of excellence. If it's not in my realm of talents, then I will utilize someone else in the body that has those talents... After all isn't that what the body is for? For each to perform his/her duties to the utmost of their ability?

I would go as far as to answer the song "If we are the body, why aren't his hands reaching..." with the answer that the knee really wanted to reach, and instead we kneed someone in the gut... Because they didn't want to accept their talents, roles, or crucial status. Instead of trying to do everyone else's job, why don't we do the jobs set before us? Maybe that's the root of our lack of excellence, we're too stubborn to admit what ISN'T our talent. Maybe, just maybe...

An update from Monday -

After thinking a little more about my post from Monday, I have come to the conclusion, that while it's hard to walk away from things you love... it's the ones that love you back are most easy to walk towards.

The two things that are still on that list of being "in love" with, they chose to love me back and that has made all the difference. :)

WCW - iTunes 8 - A Scam??

Welcome to my go around on Watercooler Wednesday! Click HERE to become part of the cooler!

Instead of some of the heavier things I've been pondering, I think I'll take a step towards something a little less... heavy?

So yesterday I downloaded iTunes v 8. While I like the way that they're trying to design it to be more like the iPhone and iPod Touch, it is... pretty much a useless update from what I've seen.

I tried to activate the Genius feature, yet it told me that it couldn't finish the operation. And I've heard this complaint from others. My question is - has anyone been successful in utilizing this feature that is reminicient of Pandora or Last.fm?

Another immediate critique I have is that I like to have my mini player showing on my screen throughout the work day so that I have complete control over it, yet have the no impact on my productivity. Every once in a while, I'll change playlists or genres, and when I want to go back to the mini player, I knew the exact route to take to get it there. Well they moved where that feature is and now it takes twice as long to get to the feature, though they did put some key shortcuts in for it, it's not as natural... This will probably be something I have to just get used to.

Well - I'm off to learn the wonders of biology from the perspective of hands on learning. Yay for labs!! (ugh...)

Let me know what you think of the upgrade. Was it a creative new way to play with your music or a hindrance in your listening pleasure?

Falling in love all over again...

So, lately I have been on the road just a little too much for my own good. I have been in and out of town so much lately that it's making my head spin.

Driving to and from Evansville, Louisville, and Nashville - it's been... trying on my patience and leaves me with too much time to muddle through thoughts that are better left alone.

But here I am. After another long night in the car --

I was listening to a CD this evening and a song popped on that really got me thinking. It was a song that I had heard 100 times over already, but this time it struck me different. And that thought spurred... this:

I have been in love 6 times. Each time a different experience. Each time brought different troubles, tribulations, and heartaches.

These are the times that I can truly identify being "in love."

1. I fell in love with MUSIC. In fourth grade I sold my heart to the violin and have been playing it ever since. And then I gave my heart away to singing and other things musical. Collecting and sharing became a passion. Lyrics, melodies, the rush of a well done performance... All these things make my heart flutter. It was what led me to want to be involved in music as a career. I have since been called to give up this love, and it hurts. More than I'd like to admit. And the hardest thing about it... no one really understands.
2. JESUS captured my heart at a young age as well. Throughout the years, no matter how many stupid things I've done, he's found a way to steal my heart back unto him. He consistently finds ways to wrap me up in a beautiful sunrise or the laughter of a new baby. He shows me his love through beautiful symphonies and in the rain. He is currently reminding me of how cared for, how blessed I am, and how... much he loves me. It's a wonderful feeling.
3. I fell in love with a PREACHER. Or at least a future preacher... I fell in love with the idea of what we could be, of what our kids could be, of what my home could be... I fell in love with the minivan, the white picket fence, and the laughter of a youth group running around in the back yard. I gave up those dreams when I watched that preacher's back walk out of my life. It was the most hurtful experience of my life. Thankfully my Jesus healed me, allowed me to find reconciliation, forgiveness and something different to cling to.
   
4. Then, I went to Nicaragua and El Salvador - and my heart fell in love with MISSIONS and CHILDREN from Central America. I have pictures that I still weep over. I have kids that I still pray for... They stole my heart. There was a joy and a hope that I found in those slums. I went to give them hope, food, a future, and a Jesus... and instead, they turned around and gave it right back to me. I long to be back there and scoop up dirty children in my arms. To swing around and around until we both get dizzy and collapse in laughter... That is life. That is joy. That is love.
5. I came back from the mission field and fell in love with NASHVILLE. It was a city of prestige. A night life. Something constantly going on. Meeting someone know knows "so and so". Hanging out with the likes of Dave Barnes and Derek Webb. I picked up everything and moved here. To be in this city that held my future and my home. And now... this too I walk away from. Though it won't be the incredibly tearful goodbye that it would have been a year ago, this city has left it's mark on me and I will forever feel a little more at home here than anywhere else.
6. And my last, and most recent love would be my fiancee, JIM. It wasn't expected, and it wasn't planned. He was a friend and I expected it to stay that way. And then slowly but surely, he walked into my life in such a way that I could never look back. There was something in the way he looked at me that was different. Something in the way I felt totally and completely at peace when he was near. I was COMFORTABLE with him and with myself. I cannot wait until we can begin building the home and future together that we talk about so much. He is my love and I am his. And though things aren't always perfect, they are right - and that makes all the difference.

So in short... These lyrics made me think about who I was...

I wish you could see me now,
I wish I could show you how,
I'm not who i was.

I used to be mad at you.
A little on the hurt-side too,
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around,
to forgivin' you, some-time-ago,
But I never got to tell you...

And these reminded me of where we're going...

The way that we love
The way that we laugh
It’s something worth seeing
So let’s make it last Let’s make it last

Amazing how these songs played back to back just in time to remind me of where I've been and where I'm going... And with all that said... Goodnight...

...may I never forget that God gives and he takes away...
...cherish the things you've had and have...
...they may not be here forever...