Exhausted

There has been a lot of change, strain, and general weariness in my life over the last couple months. I mentally knew that - and definitely physically feel it. It's a weight in every part of my body. I am weary.

As I talked with an old (pseudo-)friend, I poured out to her my last few months. It came out like rushing water and without any stops or hesitation. She was encouraging. She gave me a hug, and it felt so good. She told me anytime I needed to talk... that she was available.

The song that keeps playing through my head is the old Andy Park song, "Let it Rain." Oh how I miss this song being a regular part of worship... Just hearing it takes me back...

because music speaks what i cannot...

g.b.n.

This face and smile melt my heart. :)

A New Thing...

18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the desert
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise. (Isaiah 43:18-21)

I Shall Believe

Arise, My Soul, Arise

It's really amazing to me that when we seek God and seek for answers and wisdom from Him, we get them! I mean... I've known this for some time, but often I either forget it - or He does a completely new thing. He has a wonderful way of hitting me with an answer or a nugget of wisdom when I'm least expecting it.

Lately I've been listening to some Mark Driscoll sermon podcasts while I work or commute. He has a way of presenting the Bible that just resonates with me most days. His sermon title this particular day was "Jesus Rejoices in the Holy Spirit." He had lots of good stuff to say about joy and how the Holy Spirit is at work in our lives. He had 10 points to investigate if we felt like our joy tanks were low. And honestly, I can say... My joy tank has been a little lacking these days.

My Joy in the Holy Spirit Increases When:

1. I spend sufficient time in the Scriptures He wrote
2. I repent of the sin He has convicted me of
3. I serve with the gifts He's given me
4. I forgive those who sin against me and pray for my enemies
5. I enjoy what I have and give generously
6. I pay attention to my health
7. I remind myself that joy is one emotion God gives
8. I share in the joy of others
9. I respond physically, trusting that my emotions will catch up
10. I plan fun and capture sacred moments as they come

Some of these I feel I do regularly. Some areas I could definitely work on. Definitely something to think about.

I have some other things that have resonated with me, but I'll save those for another day.

I'll leave you with these lyrics:

Arise, my soul, arise; shake off thy guilty fears;
The bleeding sacrifice in my behalf appears:
Before the throne my surety stands,
Before the throne my surety stands,
My name is written on His hands.

Nevertheless

I'm currently (and rather quickly) making my way through Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. Max isn't always my favorite author, mainly because of how much cheese he uses. But as I was searching the shelves in the library the other day, it jumped off the shelf and into my heart.

The back of the book read like my life...

He taunts you with bills you can't pay, people you can't please, habits you can't break, failures you can't forget, and a future you can't face. But just like David, YOU CAN face your giant, even if you aren't the strongest, the smartest, the best equipped, or the holiest. (emphasis added)

Bills - No, Jim and I aren't in any danger of being out on the streets or in bankruptcy court, or anything like that. But bills and finances and growing up has definitely had it's stressful moments. The moments that make you freak out and sit in terror wishing that you had a parent that took care of those and you were just here to get good grades... I often wish I had appreciated those days more when I had them.

People - I can be a little sensitive at times. For any of you that actually know me, and I mean REALLY get to know me, you realize that I take many things personally. I make it my personal aim to please people around me. On occassion this takes an unhealthy approach as it consumes me and depresses me if I seemingly fail.

Habits - Things like at times spending money when I should be saving, reading a book instead of vacuuming, visiting friends instead of laundry... These things overwhelm me at times. I have several habits that I desperately need to break if I'm ever to maintain a neat and tidy home.

Failures - I still, to this day, get caught up on little things I should have done better or excelled at more... I mean, miniscule little things. I should have ran more in high school when I was actually IN shape, it would have made trying to get into shape now much easier. And the list goes on. These little failures sometimes creep out of nowhere and whisper in my ear...

Future - oh the future... Lucky for me, I married a future Methodist minister! I know the fate of my future and have absolutely no idea at the same time! The only thing that is guaranteed is that life will change and will change more than most people's lives will. I recognize this, accept it, and for the most part look forward to it. But there is a part of me that craves being rooted firmly in one place. Oh the future... Only the Lord knows what is to come...

I have a laundry list, yes. But Max wrote a section in which he talked about King David in 2nd Samuel. The Jebusites start listing off a laundry list of things against David in his battle. But it says "...Nevertheless David took the stronghold of Zion..."

Nevertheless

No matter what the other guy was saying - No matter what was against him - NO MATTER what his laundry list included... God used David. God allowed him to do great things for Him.

Nevertheless

May we all realize that nevertheless was destined for all of us. There is a nevertheless in my story. There is a nevertheless in your story, too.

Nevertheless

And the key to this "nevertheless"? We don't allow the laundry list to be our focus. We don't allow all the wrong things to be in our view and in our ears and in our minds. We focus on the most high God.

As Max likes to put it, "Focus on Giants - You Stumble. Focus on God - Your Giants Tumble."

Where is your focus? Is your mountain, your giant, your problem all you can see or hear? Then look up. Your nevertheless is here.

I will run...

I ran again for the first time in over a month last night. It felt good. The last rep of 90 seconds of jogging, I ended up at a hard run just to push myself. I wasn't worn out and felt like I could push myself a little more. I took off running. I think I took Jim a little by surprise when all of a sudden I was several paces ahead. But he quickly caught up to me. After the rep was over he just gave me a high five and a big smile.

More than just physically - I've been running a race lately.


I will run the race set before me
I will seek your face as the prize of my life
I will run, I will run, I will run...

All I want is You
All I crave is You...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us." -Hebrews12:1

Listen closely, baby don't let go...

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time, raise your hopeful voice
You had the choice, you've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'll paint it black

Week 1, Workout 2

So tonight, I let Jim come with me. Except this time he let me set the pace and keep track of time. HEAVENLY. I didn't wear out after the first few rounds, and felt great afterwards. I feel like I could go out and jog some more! I like jogging at night, but I end up with lots of energy left over. Hmm... Not sure what to do about that.

I NEED to start doing it in the mornings and I would be a whole lot more alert and need less caffeine to get me going. But alas... I'm a lazy bum in the mornings... We'll see though.

Tonight we had lots of fun at VBS. I've thoroughly enjoyed leading in singing and dancing and hanging out with kids. I feel like I'm in my element doing things like this. I've had a great day and I hope you have too!

We taught the kids about thankfulness tonight and it's just a good reminder of all that there's to be thankful for! So thank you for taking the time to read this and to care about my life!

And the beat keeps runnin...

I have this song running through my head....

I am on a new regimen. I'm starting to run. I've been looking at a lot of old pictures lately and realized how much weight I've put on since college and since I've been married... I'm no longer going to use the excuse that I'm happy in my body and with my weight, because that's simply not true.

No, I don't hate myself or my appearance at all. That's not true either. I just realize that if I don't take care of my body now, I'm going to continue on a downward trend of gaining. So here I am. Tackling the Couch to 5K plan.

I'm liking it so far. I've ran twice this week. The first time, on Thursday evening about killed me. I ran with Jim and he set the pace. It was just slightly too fast for me. And we also got the intervals mixed up so we ended up jogging way too much for our first time out. I came home, collapsed, and was in pain the next day.

This evening, I came home and decided to go out by myself since Jim was out this evening. And lo and behold... Wah la! I finished with flying colors! I even had enough energy to do a power walk home.

So here's to feet hitting the pavement and to the pounds that are going to shed. Here's to adjusted diets and being mindful of the junk I'm putting into my body. Here's to being fit, trim, and full of energy. Here's to being a hot momma when the time is right.

Gone With the Wind

Well I did it. 1448 pages later and I'm done! Gone With the Wind took me just a little over a month to finish, and I'm definitely glad I did. It was always a book that intimidated me by it's sheer size, however I quickly found that the only reminder of how big it was was it's clumsy holding size. There was action and emotion on every page that kept you hooked.

My husband will tell you that I'm not a person that reads for deep meaning, enlightenment or symbolism. Those things are typically, sadly lost on me despite the best efforts of my teachers. I typically am just looking to get swept up in someone's story. To read and feel and experience all the joys and heartaches that characters go through. It allows me a safe space to experience my vast arsenal of emotions without needing to take them out on someone else. It's splendid.

However, I will tell you - I found much more than an emotional appeal in this book. I found it so very intriguing to read about slavery from a different perspective. It wasn't demonized. It wasn't brutal. At least not in this family and in this circle of people. They genuinely had a love, affection and loyalty to their people, and from both sides, too! To see slaves that stayed with Scarlett and Rhett despite everything because of loyalty and love. To see Rhett fondly take care of Mammy as if she were his own mother - this is not what you see in the history books. While I understand that wasn't the norm, and I understand why slavery was bad and needed to end, it was surprising to watch these interactions.

The other thing that struck me was just the echos of collapse and reconstruction that linger into today. I can't help at looking around at our society today and to see scenes from the book all around me. No, it's not near as dramatic or as obvious as the burning of Atlanta and the literal rebuild. But you can see it on the face of those with financial strife - those needing to re-evaluate and lower their standards of living - those that used to have not a care, that have so many additional stresses and worries. And the killers these days? The subtle cancers and heart attacks that creep up unnoticed. Much different, yet just as difficult, as the dysentery, gangrene, and bullet wounds. But yet in it all, I try to see the hope that Scarlett has. To not look back at the past longingly, but to look at the here and now, to look to the future and to find the joy in living. While it was very tainted, I believe that was at the heart of her motives.

"There was a land of Cavaliers and Cotton Fields called the Old South... Here in this pretty world Gallantry took its last bow... Here was the last ever to be seen of Knights and their Ladies Fair, of Master and of Slave... Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered. A Civilization gone with the wind... "

-Gone With the Wind (Movie)

As a broken world drives by

My office has a prime view of humanity in downtown Lexington. I watch cars of all shapes and sizes drive by with people of all different shapes and sizes in them. Today two of these cars met in the middle of the intersection with a resounding crash.

To add to the scene of chaos and confusion, another car pulls into our parking lot with lots of steam/smoke pouring out from the hood. The couple methodically pulls out a jug of water... They've obviously done this before.

The survey of a hurt and broken world is even more real and more close to home when people you know are losing their jobs and their well being. The struggles and questions of where the next meal are continually real questions asked.

No one is too far removed from the threat of poverty or "security". It could all come crashing down in an instant.

How then can we wipe away our fears? How can we then still our hearts?

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14

I know we call this home...

I'm in one of my emotional moods - this is the time that I should refrain from blogging, but that's usually when I am most introspective.

So many lyrics hitting me hard this week. I can't shake this feeling of being alone.

Two years ago I was packing up my life and moving to Nashville to be some hotshot in the music industry. Now I sit in our newly purchased home in Kentucky, with a husband, a cat, a job that mostly pays the bills, and enough acquaintances to fill Noah's ark. I question why God put us here in this moment, but I just have to trust. Though that comes hard some days.

However, looking at the sunshine out my window, I realize that it looks even more brilliant today because of the storms this afternoon... It's often the storms and the darkness that make those sunny days so magnificent.

Clinging to His strength...

How are YOU doing?

As I sit in the lodge that was gifted to us for our trip to Gatlinburg, I overlook the woods. We are going to have a miraculous sunset in our backyard tonight. I can't wait.

I am so thrilled for this weekend to take a little time to rest, relax, and recharge.

I was talking with a friend of mine earlier this week. She had been rushing around and visiting sick children at the hospital. Life was running us and everyone around us ragged. It was then that another wonderful woman walked in and looked straight at her in the eyes and instead of asking how the sick children were doing or how things were going in the office or any other questions about THINGS - she asked how SHE was doing.

It amazes me how little time we actually take to care about the people around us. Life has thrown me a lot of curve balls lately that have made me very weary. And it's been quite some time since someone looked me straight in the eye and asked me how I was doing or holding up - and actually meaning it. I'm thankful for the wonderful few who have stepped into my life to help me carry the load and to laugh with me along the way.

I am taking a much needed break this weekend with my wonderful husband to celebrate one wonderful year of marriage. (I think I'm going to call it my second honeymoon. That was something my great grandmother did that I always thought was so endearing. )

But I digress... My hope and prayer this weekend is that in this time of recharge and renewal that I find strength and breath and life and HOPE in the coming months and years ahead.

¹⁹ O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ²² Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"

²³ He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. ²⁴ The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. ²⁵ In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. ²⁶ The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

Isaiah 30:19-26

A Breath of Fresh Air

Windows cracked, music softly playing, warm, sweet air blowing in... It's almost SPRING! I love hearing the laughter of lighthearted people outside my windows. At work today it was the happy voices of the senior ladies and gentlemen that had gathered for some fun and fellowship at church today. This evening it was the children that live on our street. It's fresh. It's exciting. It's uplifting to hear. To breathe.

Something about it just puts me at ease and reminds me of the one who gave us all a breath of fresh air... So breathe deep. It's GOOD.

Home

Home is always a topic, a word, a thought that has stirred my heart and caused me to yearn for something more. While I still have up days and down days here in Lexington, I know that this is home. For this season.

Jim and I have begun to pack up our first "home". We have been working feverishly to make sure that everything is lined up so that when we get our new "home" we can transition right away. We are both so excited to be moving into our new house. I'm quite excited to move past the point of dreaming about it, to living it.

Our new version of home is coming... I can't wait.

I AM

God is the great I AM. He is and was and is to come. He is all things.



I think it's why I tend to find God in the small things, but definitely the non-man-made things of this world. The nature, the weather... The all reak of God and His presence, glory, and creativity. However... I must say that I struggle with seeing Him in the winter. It's always such a rushed time. You don't want to pause on your way to the car because it's so COLD! You don't want to stay outside to breathe in deep the fresh, frigid air.



I was once again reminded today of this beautiful song, Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. It's truly one of my favorite songs. It reminds us that in every season there is God. He is there in every moment... Even when we can't see Him, or choose not to see Him.


I can't wait until spring. It's when I find God the most... In the rebirth... In the warmth of a new day... But until then, I must be content and find God in the here and now. This song reminds me and makes me enjoy and relish in this time.



And everything in time and under heaven

Finally falls asleep

Wrapped in blankets white, all creation

Shivers underneath

And still I notice you

When branches crack

And in my breath on frosted glass

Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter

You are winter

Oh What a Day

There is something in the simplicity and the complexity of this weekend that has me thoroughly content and satisfied. The slower pace of the day has been completely refreshing. Spending the entire day with my husband cooking, cleaning, and shopping together has been so uplifting.

I am learning that I must set boundaries for myself. I miss having lazy weekends and getting things done. I'm pretty sure it's been since college that I wasn't staying put during weekends. I feel like I'm constantly on the road or out with people all weekend. It's taking its toll. There is a great need I have for balance, and luckily I'm learning that! I'm looking forward to seeing how the coming months pan out. I'm hoping to slip more and more into a steady rhythm that keeps our home clean, content and in order.

In regards to the Valentine's day weekend so far, it's been wonderful. :) My husband has been giving me little gifts along the way. A dozen red roses greeted me on Friday afternoon with a wonderful card. Then a movie this morning with yet another note. A bottle of wine this evening with yet another touching card... And a gift or two left yet!

Looking forward to tomorrow. :) I wish I had relaxing weekends like this more often!

Dear Nicholasville Road Rush-Hour Drivers,

First off, I want to thank you for keeping me company most days. Sometimes I desert you and take another route... But the days I decide to join you, you welcome me right back. Thanks for making me feel at home.

I have a few beefs to pick with you though...

• If you must turn left across the 4 lanes of moving traffic, please do so at a light if possible. If not... alter your route so it's a right turn. This will help everyone.
• If the weather is worse than normal (ie. not sunny and warm), this is not an invitation to get CLOSER to my car when following me. It means back off.
• If you need to change lanes, please plan accordingly. This means, use your turn signal. It also means waiting until there is enough room for your car in the other lane. This FURTHER means, please don't wait until you are about to turn left onto New Circle to suddenly realize you want to go straight..... This is ridiculous. You know the lane ends ahead. Plan ahead. It will make traffic move faster and everyone happier with each other.
• Please understand that I can't go any faster than the car in front of me. He can't go faster than the car in front of him. We're trapped in an endless cycle of slow driving. Deal with it.
• If you're waiting at a left turn light to turn OFF of Nicholasville Road, please make it swift and painless. These lights are a hidden gem and take forever to come back. The people behind you appreciate your swift response to the light turning green.

If we can work on these issues, I think we will have a much happier state of existance and I would join you more frequently. Until then... I may just take another route...

Sincerely,

the red kia